Dealing with social media envy

Has it happened to you? All your friends are having fun, attending fabulous parties, traveling to exotic places, getting promotions or having lots of new exciting things happening in their lives, …posting lots of great pictures on their Instagram and Facebook... and here you are trapped at home (or a dead end job), looking for a job and dealing with rejections, the flooring in your house hasn’t been installed for 3 weeks now, the back of your car is damaged,…or any other  crappy thing happening to you… and you feel totally down and envious… oh so envious after seeing all those wonderful photos of your friends. So what can you do to feel better? Here is how I am dealing with a major case of social media (SM) envy:

-Be grateful: just a couple of months ago, I couldn’t wait to get back to my house and to my quiet boring life. I wanted peace and stability… So now that I have it, I should be grateful and not spoil it with boredom and envy.

- Remember the past: I have had fabulous time and great adventures when these friends were working hard or were in crappy situations. Now it’s their turn. Mine would come again soon enough.

-Take great pictures: a beautifully presented meal, a gorgeous piece of dessert, a romantic sunset, pretty flowers, cute pets, something fun in my day to day life. When I look for a beautiful moment to capture in a photograph, I will notice how many of those exist in my daily boring life and I usually don’t notice them. I have challenged myself to find and snap a pretty picture every day.

-Plan mini adventures (while waiting for the big one): there are new neighborhoods, cafes, parks and museums in this city of ours that I haven’t been to or I’ve liked and love to visit again. My major reason for SM envy is my craving for newness and excitement. By trying a new food, new recipe, new cuisine, going somewhere new, finding or seeing something new (a landmark, a fabric, a work of art) I feel energized and happy. I also like to start a new project, crafting something, drawing or writing and by focusing on that project I feel instantly better. By eating some never-tried-before street food, I feel daring and brave. Going hiking and getting my blood pumping makes me feel alive. I can find a performance I like to see and attend it. Dressing up for a concert or play would be fun. Yes, there are so many things I can do right here, right now that make me feel alive and excited.

-Plan your big adventure: Right now I can’t travel to the exotic places that my friends do (well, I can’t travel anywhere right now. I’m stuck at home!). No Morocco, South America or Japan in my near future. But while I wait, I am reading everything I can on Japan and planning my dream trip. I know which cities I would like to visit, what food I better eat and can find great places to stay. So when the time comes, I am ready! Along those lines, I better start learning a few Japanese words as well. The only one I know is: Sayonara!

Fear and the cost of safety

A couple of days ago, I was involved in a fender-bender. It was not my fault and there was very little damage, but I was seriously scared and shaky for the rest of the day.  Then the next day, I noticed I am looking for excuses to not leave the house and not to drive. It was hard pushing myself out of the front door and starting my car. It got me thinking how many times a bad experience scares us so much that we prefer to retreat to our safe little corner and forget everything else… to stop driving long distance, stop driving on the freeways, stop driving all together,…  stop going to meetings, to work, to classes, stop taking exams, meeting other people…. How many times we stop a necessary part of life simply because we are too scared?

What got me moving yesterday was the thought that if I stay home and don’t drive because I am nervous right now, I would look for more and more excuses and become homebound out of fear. As soon as I realized that, I got up and took my car to the supermarket. It was only a block from my house but it broke that paralyzing spell of fear.  

That’s how I usually deal with scary situations… I plunge myself head first into them without giving myself much time to think about the scary aspects. I know if I start thinking and planning about every situation which gives me pause, my procrastinating nature would take over and stop me from ever doing anything new. I don’t want to end up like a hamster in a cage, safe but trapped my whole life.

 Hamsters are cute but their lives are pathetic. I don't want to turn into a hamster!

Law of three and a warning

From my teen years I have been respectful of karmic laws and for many years now I've been living by the law of three, "Whatever you send out into the universe, it will come back to you threefold". It seems however, other people are not so considerate. My personal strategy when targeted by ill wishes and negative energy has been to forgive them their ignorance and hoping their vicious intents don't do them much harm. That is.... until now! It has come to my attention that forgiving ill wishers doesn't make them stop. I am tired of my loved ones (and myself) getting hurt because of jealousy and narrow-mindedness of others. Sometimes these people need a lesson. So here is my public service announcement:

NO MORE FORGIVENESS. I REFER ILL WISHERS TO KARMA.

Remember, karma is a bitch! Do not provoke her by ill wishes and malicious intents!

One day at a time

Depression, helplessness, hopelessness, .... have got you down? Can't work, can't change, can't decide? Just take it one day at a time. Do something constructive today, just one thing... take one single step to help yourself today. Sometimes that's all we have the energy to do, one thing per day...
And then tomorrow, you can do another little thing.... just one more step...
And day by day, we get closer to our goal.

Whole lot of effort

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is remembering how much effort and hard work I've put into my life/career/relationships to get to this point. Considering all the sacrifices I've made, all the challenges I've gone through, all the energy and time I've spent to get to this certain point in life, giving up would be a total waste of my life, the biggest mistake. So I keep going, keep trying, keep pushing myself. Sometimes knowing I haven't got here easily is the only motivation that I need.

Developing a plan of action

Some goals or projects can appear overwhelming, intimidating and time consuming. They may scare you into a state of procrastination, nervousness or numbness. 

-Start by acknowledging that your current state doesn’t contribute to your happiness and your expectations in life. That you need to start this change or undertake this challenge for your own sake and no one else's.

-Decide what makes you happy. Factor in your long term and short term happiness and your ultimate goals in your life.

-Determine the steps toward achieving that goals. If the goal is too big and far away in your mind, try to break it down into smaller and more manageable parts.

-Write down every step and determine the prerequisites and preparations for achieving each step. Write those down too!

-Estimated a timeline and a due date to complete each task and step. Be realistic and also generous in your estimate. If a task needs 6 weeks to complete, give it another one or two weeks in your timeline. This would reduce your anxiety, margins in errors and setbacks, gives you time to go over everything and maybe enough time for a do-over.

-Get to work and take that first step. Start the first task right now, not tomorrow, not next week or next month.

Good luck! You can do it, you have the resolve and the resources. Go get what you want!

Don't be afraid!

Conquering fear and starting over

After you suffer a failure or setback, it is extremely difficult and sometimes scary to start over. The fear of failure in addition to the stress and the anxiety associated with beginning a new project or making a decision and the fear of unknown can be overwhelming. It can be paralyzing and if you are a champion procrastinator like me, you may never recover from that loss and failure. You may stay in your scared state for a very long time, afraid to change, to live or to even take a tiny step outside of your comfort zone.

 I have found out that a few strategic thoughts and planning can make risk taking (or starting over) a lot easier.

-Recognize and accept your fear. What is it that makes you most stressed about starting this new project? Which is worse, starting and losing again or staying in your unhappy place forever?

-Acknowledge the fact that failure is part of life. That you may lose again and it won’t be worse than what you are going through right now. There are very few situations and challenges in life that failure will literary equal to death. Almost nothing in the course a lifetime is literally fatal. Accept and acknowledge that if you fail again, you still have your life! Anxiety comes from “Fight or Flight” mindset, ingrained in our genes by our cave-dwelling ancestors. However there is almost no situation extreme enough in our lives to need such a reaction. We sometimes need to consciously think about the matter and change an unconscious fear into a conscious thought.

-Develop a step by step map for achieving your goal. Breaking an ultimate big target into little steps (that can be achieved with little effort) is helpful and puts the goal into perspective.

-Have a “Fall back” plan. Make a list of your resources and reassure yourself that you still have options if you fail in your new endeavor. Taking risks will become easier when you know you still have the security of your current place in life to fall back on if things go wrong.

-Remember all the challenges you’ve completed, all the frightful situations you have gone through and all the hardship you have suffered before. You got over them and you flourished and you are here a better stronger person, aren’t you? Gather your courage, you can do this too.

-Remind yourself that the project or challenge will not last forever or to the end of your life. It will take some time (a few years at the most) but someday it will end. Keep the end in mind.

-Think about how achieving that goal will make you feel. Concentrate on that feeling of success and joy, feel how strong you will be, how happy, how accomplished.

Now, get up and take that first step of you plan. You know you can do it!

Hello 2015!

A couple of weeks into the new year and I'm still gathering my thoughts and planning my course. I feel as if I'm still catching my breath from all the chaos of 2014.

2014 was a year full of up and downs, lots of good times and equal amount bad times. I traveled a lot and moved four times. I got to spend two months with my dad. I went through the stress of house hunting, job hunting and interviews. I moved to a new state, start a job, met lots of new people, learned new skills, moved house twice when I was there and lived with roommates (housemates actually) for the first time in my life. I also lost that job at the end of the year. I saw a colorful autumn and shivered in snow for the first time in fifteen years. I got really happy and really sad. I found a wonderful friend and lost the friendship of a few not so wonderful persons. I learned to appreciate my lifestyle more. I found the dept of my strength and the assurance that I can relay on myself. I became more confident. I decided to make happiness my priority in life, to enjoy the moments, to appreciate and to be grateful.

What will happen in 2015? I don't know but I know for sure I am up for any challenge. My personal goals are to practice mindfulness and to be happy. My professional goal is following a path that brings me long term happiness.

End game

Some situation are hard to go through, from  a troublesome project to a temporary move, all you want is to finish and be done, to go back to your routine and normal life. It is easy to get overwhelmed and forget that these unpleasant situations won’t last forever. I have found out that by just thinking about the deadline, I can keep my perspective. Yes, sometimes just thinking that by a certain day you will be free makes all the difference. You won’t believe how much hardship you can endure if you know it is only temporary. That’s why for the last two months like a prisoner who is counting the days to her freedom, I’ve been waiting for the day I go back home. Only two more weeks to go, woohoo!

Personal Mantra

I can’t remember the exact source (a page on the Facebook which a friend had liked, I think) but when 3-4 months ago I saw this mantra, I knew it was mine. It addressed my inner fears and reassured me. I typed it on a memo in my phone and have been repeating it every other day. It calms me, empowers me and erases my doubts. I am sharing it with you in the hope that it helps you as well.

“I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly as I choose to do. I am in command of myself and my life”

Giving thanks!

Such a year this has been! A whirlwind of life changing up and downs and right here, right now; I am mostly dazed thankful for surviving it. The list of this year’s event and my reasons for being grateful goes as:

-The opportunity to spend a couple of months with my father. I am glad I have grown up enough to appreciate my dad for his wonderful personality and friendship as well as his parental love and presence.

-Surviving three months of intense house hunting and finding the perfect one at the end. It is a beautiful bright house that felt home from the moment we set foot in and we knew instantly we can live there for many years to come. I am thankful for finding the house and more importantly for being able to afford it!

-Surviving six months of stressful job hunting. I am glad I was able to get through the rejections (and mostly not hearing back froms). Sometime in the middle of all that stress and despair, I was able to look at my career critically and decide to look for a job that makes me happy in the long run. Looking for a happy career instead of finding just a job, allowed me to define my goals and focus and to take steps in that direction. I am thankful for that clarification and this new attitude.

-Referring to the previous item, I am thankful as the Universe attested to my good decision by dropping a wonderful position right into my lap. Of course, this job came with its own challenges mainly moving to another state and later to another country, in addition to learning a whole new set of skills and shouldering a lot more responsibility but I can face these challenges knowing they are preparing me for my perfect future career. I am grateful for finally being on the right path and taking the steps toward a well-defined long term goal.

-I am sincerely thankful for all the tough and challenging situations in my life, for all the up and downs and for all the starting-from-scratches and for all the rejections, disappointments and failures because they have made me who I am today. Someone who can move by herself all alone to another city in another state, meet a whole department of new people and start a whole new job without any help or support. Someone who can look forward to doing the same all over again in a few short months and actually to find the whole situation exciting!  Thank you Life, thank you Mr. Universe for making me strong enough to handle what you are throwing at me, not only that but to crave new challenges and actually flourish. This gratefulness won’t mean that I won’t grumble, complain and whine or will become less anxious and stressed, only that deep down I know with certainty why I am suffering!

And yes as always, I am thankful for my supportive soul mate and life partner, for my loving family and great friends, for being healthy and having resources to achieve my goals.

“Good things come…

…to those who wait”.

It’s a total bull in my opinion. Maybe because I am not the patient type. I want things to happen when I want them and the way I want them, not a minute sooner (before I am ready!) or a minute later (what’s taking so long?!). You may say I have control issues! But really, haven’t you wondered how long you wait for wonderful things to happen in your life? Worse is the fact that most of the times you are waiting for normal everyday things to take their course and get to a point when you can act: paper work in offices takes forever, if it is through a civic office or a university you need to double or triple the time. Am I complaining? Sure, it has taken more than two weeks for some office worker to send three emails and process one online form and I’m still waiting for results! You bet I’m frustrated since I can’t act and can’t plan anything till I know the outcome. 

I am not good with waiting, not at all. I am the planner, the take action kind of person and to plan or act, I need sufficient data. When that data is not available, I feel confused and frustrated. I have tried to do things not related closely to whatever is taking time, doing indirect preparation and all of that but still after 2-3 weeks, I got to a point when I can’t wait any longer. 

All that to say, just a few days ago I was telling a friend that patience is a virtue!

Doing what you like!

A couple of months ago I decided to put my money where my mouth is (so to speak) and after years of claiming to be an Epicurean, actually apply those principles to my way of life. Since just seeking pleasure in everyday life was not increasing my overall happiness (something I have been doing for years), I made a major decision: I look for long term happiness in my bigger goals, career, education, where I live. I had been job searching for about a year (on and off) so I decided to apply to those positions that will make me happy in long term. This view made it clear to me that only research and academic jobs will contribute to my happiness. Teaching is something I genuinely enjoy and I love the challenge of planning and executing new projects. Therefore I came to one scary conclusion: no more applying to every job opening on the market! I’ll be honest and admit that it went against all my instincts, to limit myself to very few (and far between) openings that might pop up every couple of months or so. It is lowering my chances of employment pretty dramatically. However, after thinking about it for a couple of weeks, I came to understand that it is well worth it. Yes, I desperately need a job but I am not going to take detours and waste my time on something that won’t even make me happy. A paycheck is not worth my long term happiness or a wrong turn of career path.

I know I am taking a big risk but I am counting on big rewards too. Wish me luck!

Start slow!

Change comes from you not your surroundings. No one can force you to try new things or force you to stand still and frozen. Only you can bring change and newness to your life. Your surrounding plays a very small role. Start to change small things: Go for a hike, read a new book, go visit museums, go to theater or watch a new movie, make a short trip to somewhere new (even somewhere close that you never have been to), take up a new hobby or craft, learn a new language. Bring new energy into your life. Change starts slow and small but when it starts you can see the how this new energy is affecting your life.